I had a real epiphany today. I suddenly realized that I am so busy doing work at work, I don’t have time for growth. I find that there is no room for judgment or creativity on my part. I am told what to do, how to do it, and the order to do it in. And the priorities may change from one day to the next. I am not allowed to provide input or innovation. It’s almost mechanical. The only thing I really get to decide is determining how long it’s going to take, but even that gets negotiated. To make matters worse, I get thrown the task of fixing other coders bugs. I feel like an extension of someone else. Like I am there to be the clone of someone who feels they need another body. They decide what needs to get done, how they want it done, whether or not it sounds too difficult, and how to implement: design, function, and format. In a word, micromanaged. Didn’t that go out of style with the 90′s?
How did I come to that realization? It has taken some time to realize, but it hit me full force today when I couldn’t even think outside the box for a simple reordering algorithm. I was given the opportunity for a brief moment and I froze! I have allowed myself to get to this point. It’s not from lack of effort however. I always put forth ideas, best practices, and user interaction improvements. The problem is, someone else has control and I always get overridden. I don’t even know if my ideas get passed on to the powers that be. I am not included in any discussion, asked what I think, or allowed to propose designs or functionality. Again, I am told what to do, every step of the way.
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